Tips for the Jazz Musician ;)

A few things to remember at the gig. /Everyone should play the same tune. /Always wear dark glasses, the darker the better. You won't be able to see a thing but people will think you're deep and mysterious. /Stop at every repeat sign, and discuss in detail whether to take the repeat or not. The audience will love this a lot! /If you play a wrong note, give a nasty look to one of the other cats. /When talking into the mic, start everything with "Hey man..." /Keep your fingering chart handy. You can always catch up with the others. /Carefully tune your instrument before playing. That way you can play out of tune all night with a clear conscience./When hitting a high note, always throw your head back and make a grizzly face expression. /Take your time turning pages. /The right note at the wrong time is a wrong note, except among the tone-deaf. /If everyone gets lost except you, follow those who get lost. /Strive to play the maximum NPS (note per second). That way you gain the admiration of the incompetent. /Markings for slurs, dynamics and ornaments should not be observed. They are only there to embellish the printed score. /If a passage is difficult, slow down. If it's easy, speed it up. Everything will work itself out in the end. /If you are completely lost, stop everyone and say, "I think we should tune". /Happy are those who have not perfect pitch, for the kingdom of music is theirs. /If the ensemble has to stop because of you, explain in detail why you got lost. Everyone will be very interested. /A wrong note played timidly is a wrong note. A wrong note played with authority is an interpretation.A true interpretation is realized when there remains not one note of the original. /When everyone else has finished playing, you should not play any notes you have left.